ok...it's not going to rule over me...

When I got up from the computer a minute ago, I immediately thought of so many more things I could complain about. But I don't want that to be who I am. I am a generally happy person and I have seen that go way downhill recently. Whether it's fatigue or stress or someone else's depression wearing off on me...I don't know... but i decided I'm going to try to look the other way and think about what I'm happy about.

- The little fingers I get to kiss while I'm nursing Lucy.
- The warm bed I get to sleep in, even if it is interrupted.
- Gwen's beautiful smiling face when I pick her up from school, and the cute picture I see when she walks off in the morning all dressed up with her backpack and everything.
- My husband who loves me.
- God's provision, always, no matter what...even when I stress out.
- That even though I have to pay late fees for my rent, at least I have a lovely place to live.
- My husband has a good job, and I get to stay home with my babies.
- That sleeve of cookies I'm grabbing is girl scout cookies. And even though they're once a year and they'll be gone way sooner than next year, they're SO yummy while they last!
- Baby butt.
- Those grins Lucy gives....all of them... but for some reason, especially the ones while she's nursing or sucking on the pacifier. The pacifier just falls out cuz she's smiling so big. It's SO cute!
- Gwenny's braids.
- Breastfeeding induced weight loss. (I weigh 20lbs less than I did pre-pregnancy!)
- Flamin' hot cheetos, pizza, dr. pepper, mentos and mint chip ice cream.
- Baby laughs. This is the single greatest sound in the universe. I would do anything to hear it.
etc. :)

I feel a LOT better. :)

Oh c'mon, it's only March 13!

I'm tired. I'm so tired that I can't even function. I'm getting snappy and frustrated faster. Lucy is bugging the living you-know-what out of me with her neediness. She wants to be held all day, and if for a minute I put her down, I have to be in eye-shot or she cries. She wakes up at least twice a night for NO REASON, and the takes crappy naps during the day.
I am SO tired. And for some reason, even if she does have a magical sleep through night, I still wake up. Or my milk-makers get too full over night and they hurt....that's retarded too, because it's not like they're new at this... REGULATE, DANG IT!
Then, maybe I JUST fall back asleep from the night wakings, and my husband's alarm starts going off...over and over and over and over and over again. It's infuriating. And the more times the alarm goes off, the more awake I am. Then he takes a shower, which is LOUD! I never realized how LOUD the shower is when someone's desperately clinging to the last shreds of sleep that might be available for the next 16-20 hours. Then he gets dressed and all that, and hugs and kisses me, which is nice. But then sometimes, I'll fall back asleep again, finally, and he'll come in and talk/hug me again, which while nice, is sleep-robbing. Then he leaves. Ahhhhhh.....maybe I can slee- crap, Lucy's awake. But there's still 45 min til I HAVE TO get up to get Gwen ready. Go put the pacifier in her mouth. No dice. She grins at me and starts yelling at me to get her up. Effing Day has begun.

Eat, cry, sleep (maybe), eat, cry, eat, cry, play, eat, cry, cry cry..... etc.

put baby to bed, stay up too late watching crappy tv, go to sleep, repeat.

Anyway, I feel like crap. My face is breaking out, I have circles under my eyes, I'm hungry and feel disgusting, because I just grab the sleeve of cookies instead of making something because I'm so tired. I am just so so tired. I actually cried a little this morning....that's when you know your world is pretty messed up...when you cry because you have to start your day.

THAT, my friend is why my blog is never updated. I live a tired, boring life and I can't even think of anything worth blogging about.

See you in a month or so.